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My whole life, I’ve hated the way I look.
It didn’t matter if I weighed 6, 9 or 11 stone, I never looked good enough and my brain would constantly taunt me.
Do I look fat? Are my chins really that bad? Delete that photo. Oh my god look at the size of my arms. You look amazing wow, I’m jealous. Bloody thunder thighs over here. I just feel so uncomfortable all the time. Is my nose really that big? Do I look okay? I’m sorry you have to look at my face. Ergh why has she posted that picture I look awful. My stomach is in the way. I shouldn’t eat that. You look so good, I wish I looked like you. No I can’t wear that it’s too short. No it’s too tight, you can see my rolls. Why do I look like a potato in everything I wear?
I would torment myself, sometimes to the point of tears, about my body.
Loved ones would tell me I look great, I looked healthy, I looked strong, but their voices were nowhere near as loud as the gremlins in my brain telling me otherwise. What I saw in the mirror didn’t add up with what they were telling me and no-one understood why I was always so down on myself.
The teeny tiny rational part of my brain would occasionally pipe up, telling me that what the gremlins were telling me wasn’t true, but they would soon beat that little voice down.
It took a long time before I was probably suffering from Body Dysmorphic Disorder, a disorder that leaves the sufferer constantly picking out and obsessing over their self-perceived flaws. The minute I read the description on the NHS website, I knew that that’s what I had and everything started to make sense.
After researching it some more, I realised that BDD is actually an anxiety disorder - Which makes sense as I was actually prescribed Fluoxetine in 2023 to combat anxiety and minor depression and found that within a few months of taking the Fluoxetine daily, the voice in my head slowly started to get quieter and quieter.
It’s not completely vanished of course, but I can get through the day without tearing myself to pieces every time I see myself in a mirror, which I class as a small win.
BDD isn’t something that is discussed often in the media (however Brittany Snow does discuss it in her episode of the Call Her Daddy podcast, and her new movie ‘Parachute’ follows a young woman struggling with BDD and disordered eating - I’ve never been so affected by a trailer by the way) so I hope that by talking openly and honestly about my experience with BDD, my story might help someone in a similar position.
If you think you might be struggling with BDD or an eating disorder, please contact your GP or one of the organisations listed on Mind.
I think it's so amazing that you are openly discussing this here, and as someone who has also picked herself apart from head to toe, including my arms in photos, the way I was sitting, my larger face, my chin, my KNEES! EVEN MY KNEES WERE VICTIMIZED. I know how hard it can be to deal with. It can take control over the whole day, week, year, LIFE. When you're IN IT, it's tough to hear anything from anyone else telling you otherwise, it definitely has to come from you, at your own pace and in your own way. I do hope it's getting better and better each day because you are so fuckin beautiful girlfriend, look at that smile, I love those fits, the hair, the body, you are stunning.